recap chat rant
Last weekend I went out for lunch with my friend because he was upset about him and his boyfriend breaking up and afterwards we went for a walk down by the lake and ended up sitting on a bench in the cold for 3 hours talking. We don’t see each other a crazy amount but he knows a lot about me and since I have known him he has been able to read me better than most and knows what I am thinking and feeling when I don’t even know it or cannot put them into words.
Anyways, mid way through talking about his frustrations with guys he turned the tables on me and decided it was the perfect time to corner me. Aside from the odd 1-2 month flings I have not been in a real relationship in 2 years and to be honest I don’t know if I consider any of my past relationships “real” ones. I have been in 2 long distance relationships and to me because you only see a person a few times a month you never really move on from the honeymoon stage which does not lend to a real relationship.
I am a pretty closed box when it comes to anything love and relationship related. I do not like to show my cards to anyone and most of the time I would rather sit and stew by myself or play ignorant to my own feelings. I ignore them in hopes that they will go away half of the time because it is easier to be alone then deal with disappointment (yes, I am aware this is not true). My problem is that whenever I have given in to any feelings I may have for a guy it has always ended up with me going “Welp, that was lovely”. You see I am a constant rebound girl. I have literally dated 2 guys who had just broken up with their girlfriends and have had flings with 3 guys who had similar circumstances. I feel like I am always just that girl that guys run to when they just come out of a relationship or need a distraction or are confused about their feelings for someone else. I am just an in between girl and it has become way to frustrating to even put into words.
It is horrible because now I find that guys in general, whether it is a guy I am dating, seeing or just friends with - they disappoint me, and what I want in a guy seems to be something that I cannot find for the life of me.
I think that guys think I am a little out there and crazy and fun and they never care to dig deeper - it stays shallow - and because of that I lend well to these kinds of situations. Needless to say this is why I am the way I am and I push away my feelings.
It is weird though because all of this didn’t really hit me until I sat and talked it out with my friend last week.
So dear boys, please stop screwing me over :(
